What Smitty Saw
by NairobiWonders
Summary: A just for fun, hopefully humorous, short joanlock fic. Added a small second chapter - just 'cause - getting it out of my system before season 3 starts. Just added chapter 3 - lost in the woods
1. Chapter 1

"I swear to you, I saw them with my own two eyes!"

Bell dismissed him with a wave of his hand, "You're hallucinating then Smitty. No way, just no way that's possible." He walked away and Smitty followed him.

"Fine, but I know what I saw..." Smitty was a young officer, a rookie, obviously looking for attention thought Bell.

Gregson walked up, "What's going on here?"

"Nothing, Smitty just needs attention." Bell smiled and shook his head. "Go ahead, tell him..."

"I saw them making out, serious heavy duty ..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Gregson stopped him, "Who did you see making out?" He took a sip from his cup, mildly interested. It'd been a slow morning.

"The consultants. He had his tongue half way down her throat and she was grabbing his ..."

Gregson choked on his coffee, "Stop." He coughed. "Stop right there." He tried to clear the image out of his head. "That's ridiculous. Joan would pin Holmes to the ground if he tried anything like that."

"That's what I said," chimed in Bell, sounding pleased that Gregson agreed.

"Where did this alleged make out session occur?" the captain started his interrogation.

"In room three off of ..."

"They were in there, I sent them in there to review the evidence from last week's shooting, but Holmes would never ..."

Smitty was getting frustrated now, "Okay, don't believe me but she had him up against the wall and her skirt was hiked up with his hand ..."

"Stop, stop, stop." Both Bell and Gregson reacted at the same time, putting their hands up and looking away from him. It was the equivalent of hearing about your parents having sex.

"I think you must have misinterpreted what you saw," Gregson tried applying logic. "They were probably trying to work out the physicality of the crime."

Smitty was done with them. "Look, believe me, don't believe me. Doesn't really matter. I know what I saw."

Gregson stopped him as he walked away, "Hey, don't be spreading these kinds of things. Even if you saw what you saw, it's nobody's business but theirs."

Smitty nodded respectfully, "Yes sir."

Down the precinct corridor appeared Watson and Holmes, walking side by side. He was pulling on his jacket and shirt sleeves as he spoke.

"You really need to stop wearing those shorty short skirts, Watson." Sherlock's tone was low, for her ears only.

"You're kidding right? My skirt length has nothing to do with what we ... you know." Joan whispered back. "You just need to learn self control, Mr. Tightpants." Her tone was mocking.

He smirked at her and answered out of the side of his mouth. "As do you Ms. Groper. I think you left bruises."

She raised her eyebrows. "You wait till I get you home. I'll give you bruises."

Sherlock's eyes widened in anticipation of the possibility and a small leer crossed his face, "Promise?"

Joan smiled at his reaction, "Stop that, we're in public. Fix your collar." She just hoped she hadn't gotten lipstick on it.

Sherlock looked longingly at her and did as he was told. She looked down the corridor and saw Bell and the Captain. "Why do you suppose they're staring at us?"

Joan panicked and checked her skirt, smoothing it down, "You don't think they know do you?"

"Not sure," came his answer. "Here, let's have a row just in case."

"What?"

The volume of Sherlock's voice increased dramatically. "Watson, I told you, you are wrong. It's a completely foolish supposition."

She as usual caught on fast. "No, Sherlock. You are being a child about this. Can't stand for anyone else to be right." Joan threw her hands up in the air walking towards Bell and the Captain.

"Utterly unprofessional ... don't you walk away when I'm talking to you," he followed after her, inwardly admiring the swing of her short skirt.

Joan turned and looked at him, "Let's not do this here Sherlock. We can hash it out when we get home."

Gregson looked at Bell and shook his head, "Sign Smitty up for an eye exam would you." Gregson turned his attention to his consultants. "You two okay?"

"Yes, yes." They answered in unison. Sherlock added, "it's a private case we're consulting on. On your case, we think we've had a breakthrough."

"Good!" answered Gregson. "Step into my office and tell me what you've got."

"I've got some calls to make," Bell excused himself and started walking away.

Marcus remembered he hadn't told the Captain about Gertz and turned back just in time to catch sight of the back of Sherlock's jacket tucked partially into his trousers.

He stood there chin jutted up, staring for a few seconds, before shaking his head no and walking away.


	2. Chapter 2

"We should have grown past this stage by now." She picked up her hair and twisted it up, presenting her back to him. Sherlock zipped her up.

"What stage is that?" he asked distractedly, as he placed a kiss at the base of her neck.

"Mmm..." Joan exhaled and felt herself melting into him before catching herself and straightening up. "...Jumping on each other every opportunity we get." Joan handed him his shirt.

He put the shirt on but didn't button it. Instead, he bent down to help her on with her shoes.

"You don't have to ..." She started to say but the touch of his fingers on her ankle and calf stopped her. He gently slipped her foot into the shoe and proceeded to kiss her ankle, continuing to slowly work his way up her leg.

"Sherlock ..." She could barely get his name out. "Mmm... Noooo ..." He was on his way past her knee. "Uuuuu Sherlock ... We just ..." She put her hand on his head to push him away but instead just held on. "We have to be downstairs ... in the next five minutes ... the conference... "

A sharp knock at the door startled both of them. Sherlock sighed, bit and kissed her inner thigh lightly, making her produce the little moan he loved hearing from her and stood up to answer the hotel room door.

She realized a second too late what he was doing and tried to stop him, "Sherlock, no! Sherlock, pants! ... Pants!"

By the time what she said registered with him, Sherlock had thrown open the door, shirt open and pantless. The young cop on the other side of the threshold stood mute for a second not knowing quite what to do.

Watson came up quickly, and handed Sherlock his pants.

"Ah, thank you Watson," he put his pants on as he talked. "So Smitty, what can we do for you?"

"Uhm ... Sir, Captain Gregson sent me up to get you. You're lecture starts in a few minutes..."

"Thank you. You may tell the captain we will be down presently." Sherlock zipped his fly as Joan stared Smitty down, challenging him to say one word.

He nodded his head in response and quickly walked away. What was up with these two! Smitty guessed he should be thankful the guy was at least wearing underwear.

He wasn't going to mention this to anyone. No one believed him anyway. He'd already had his eyes examined, he figured his head would be next.


	3. Chapter 3

The rain poured around them. Rivulets encircled them and drained out onto the sodden earth. Huddled up against the base of a large tree, beneath the makeshift shelter they'd fashioned with branches and foliage sat Sherlock and Joan, damp, cold and cranky.

"I told you we should have stayed with the group. The whole point of this weekend was team building."

"One must be bold, Watson! Follow one's instincts; being sheep gets you nowhere."

"Oh right, unlike where we are right now - lost in the middle of nowhere."

"We are not lost. We are temporarily unsure of our location."

"We can't even get cell service."

"The human race has survived for millennia without cell service."

Joan shot him her patented "shut your mouth before I shut it for you" look. He shut his mouth.

Gregson had convinced them, although Sherlock would more probably say coerced them, to join the department for the upstate retreat.

"The whole point of this weekend was to strengthen our relationship with the NYPD through team building and what do we do? Strike out on our own."

"Look at the bright side Watson, at least we have trained professionals out there looking for us."

"I'm not so sure they're looking."

She sighed and curled her legs up onto the not so wet ground.

Sherlock tried his most reassuring tone. "I'm sure the rain will stop soon enough. Then we start walking eastward and ..."

"What if it doesn't let up? It's getting dark."

He looked at her. Joan looked miserable. Sherlock decided this was his fault and he needed to fix it. He moved to get up. "Right. You stay here. I'm going to see if I can't find a signal or some sort of landmark ..."

Joan grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "Stop it. Remember, I go where you go and I'm not going out for a stroll in the rain."

"Not a chore. I'm British. A walk in the rain is not a problem. I'll be back before it gets too much darker."

"No, Sherlock. I'm just as responsible for this as you are." She wasn't letting go of his arm.

Resigned, Sherlock sat back down and rearranged himself beside her.

A big drizzle of rain broke through the leafy top of their pseudo-shelter and drilled into the ground inches from her. Joan eyed it unhappily. "I'm just cold and hungry and cranky..."

He placed one arm around her and with the other scooted her over closer to him. Joan moved her arm behind him, around his waist and fit herself right up against him, her head resting on his shoulder. Placing his cheek lightly on her head, he sighed, "Sorry... At a minimum, I should at least be able to keep you warm."

They sat quietly listening to the occasional rumbling of far off thunder and the patter of rain around them. Proximity supplied them with the much needed warmth as well as other sensations.

Sherlock rubbed her back gently. He pulled her face up and gave her a small kiss on the cheek moving in tiny increments until he reached her mouth, finding her lips parted and waiting for his. Joan pulled him in closer.

The smallness of the dry area under the shelter was not a hindrance. If anything it spurred them into careful and creative movement and soon they were entangled, fully engaged as Sherlock was wont to say. The rain had lessened and almost stopped but they took no note. The damp and cold was no longer their concern.

Out of nowhere a blinding light hit Sherlock's face causing him to wince in pain and remove his hand from Watson's body, where it hand been quite happily at work. He held his hand in front of his face to shield his eyes. Joan, too, was stunned by the ferocity of the light making her eyes slam shut and find shelter in Sherlock's neck.

"Oh for the love of God, why me?" The exasperated voice came from under the hood of a plastic grey rain poncho. Is this all these people do, thought Smitty. Don't they have hobbies. Figures, he would be the one to find them.

"What's going on? Who is there?" Sherlock's voice was strained but loud and forceful. He kept one hand in front of his face, and his other hand around Watson.

"It's me, Smitty. You two zip up your pants and try to look presentable. I'm going to radio the captain." He moved the light away from them and gave them a little privacy.

Joan stood up and started buttoning and zipping quickly so she could talk to Smitty before anyone else showed up.

Sherlock was one step ahead of her. He approached the hooded officer, "Smitty, Watson and I are rather private people..."

"You could have fooled me." Smitty was beginning think they were exhibitionists.

Joan chimed in, "What Sherlock's trying to say, to ask, is if we could keep this between us? How you found us?"

"I won't say nothing. It'll only get me in trouble I'm sure. But you two really need to be more discreet!" They shook their heads in agreement. "I mean I've seen more of you two than I saw of my tenth grade boyfriend. For cripes' sake, show a little restraint."

Sherlock started to bristle at Smitty's tone and was about to spew a withering retort when Joan's hand caught his and stopped him. He took a breath. "You're right," was all he managed to say.

"We owe you big time. Thank you Smitty." Joan was relieved.

Smitty nodded and turned to the radio letting the rest of the group know he had found the consultants.


End file.
